Columbia’s Feminist Infestation in Butler Library

This is the first, and probably the last, post you will probably ever see me write about my time at Columbia University.  I’m not here to lionize the school or throw it under the bus.  I’ve great great experiences there and bad ones, just like my time in the Army or anywhere else in life.  The thing is, I’m a 30-year old man and don’t have time for petty university politics.  That said, some low hanging fruit is just too tempting, too titillating, for this barrel chested freedom fighter to pass up.

Today Gawker and several other blogs posted video of a handful of feminists who are Columbia students and/or alumni sticking it to male patriarchs everywhere by getting naked in Butler Library, smearing the floor with egg whites, pouring milk over themselves, making out with each other, and shaking their milky white cans on camera.  I know what you’re thinking…don’t threaten me with a good time, sugar pants.

Eggs whites and making out with chicks.  Want to be the meat in that sandwich?

Eggs whites and making out with chicks. Want to be the meat in that sandwich?

The stacks down in the archives at Butler Library are certainly one of the stranger places at Columbia University.  I grew up watching Ghostbusters so I know some gnarly shit can happen in the subterrainian depths of the library.  Whenever I go down there my combat senses are at full alert.  I’ve even remarked to other students that I stay on guard, ever watchful for stack weirdoes.  Who are the stack weirdoes?  Oh, you know.  Those perves who draw pee pees and wee wees in the margins of library books.  The threat is real.  Now I was channeling my spidey senses to be on the look out for these fucks creeping around the library in their semen stained sweatpants, but little did I know that I really needed to be on the look out for some slammin’ hot lezbo “feminists” rubbing their jugs in my face.

I assure you, the stacks are never this interesting!

Gender tension.  We gots it.

Gender tension. We gots it.

So listen, I get it.  I’m a white male privileged white male.  A chauvanist.  A mysigionist.  A tool of imperial imposition on third world peoples.  A war monger playing the mandolin for the military-industrial-complex (part time) but I still don’t fucking get what the point of these shenanigans in Butler library are.  These girls are out to call attention…to something…something oppressive no doubt.

Here is the reality.  If this video was made by a half dozen aging overweight Costa Rican nannies on the Upper East Side, exactly zero fucks would be given by anyone, anywhere.  It is only by objectifying themselves in the realm of (mostly male) experience and fantasy that anyone pays attention.  Why are they paying attention?  Because they are skinny white girls privileged skinny white girls sporting a nice rack or two between the lot of them.

Now I know my professors would no doubt be disappointed in my eduction and pedagogical methods if I did not post some facts and figures along with this article.  Fact: the average tuition fee at Columbia is $46,846 per year, not including additional fees and expenses.  That means that the parents of these co-eds are paying something like $50,000 a year for these honies to shake their jugs in the stacks in some bizarre attempt at social commentary.

Oh, for fucks sake!  The dog collar?

Oh, for fucks sake! The dog collar?

Another fact, I recently received an e-mail from the President of Columbia that attempted to take a stern hardline against this sort of behavior.  President Bollinger wrote, “gender-based misconduct and sexual assault have no place in our community.  Period.”  So where does the floppy blue rubber chicken, hot girl-on-girl action, and chicks spanking each other in Butler library figure in to all of that?  I think we all know that if I even talked about doing something like this as a joke that I’d be expelled immediately and that if I pulled out my junk in public that they would have NYPD threatening to give me the needle for my sex crimes within the hour.

One of these young ladies, named Coco Young, who I assume is the better endowed of the group, said, “You know—as a girl—there’s definitely a weird gender tension.”  Well  there is a no-shitter for all you red blooded sexist pigs out there.  Girls showing their tits and making out with each other creates this really weird gender tension!  Well fuck me running, I had no idea!

Coco continues:

“Butler is an extremely charged space-the names emblazoned on the stone facade are, for me, are a stimulant for resistance.  I work in Butler but sometimes feel suffocated by it… The point was to transgress the relative conservatism (and it’s history) of the space with this hysterical intervention.”

Punishing it.

Punishing it.

Ah, now we get to the roast beef sandwich of this profane demonstration.  They are Situationists straight out of some commie white paper written by Guy Debord!  You know, the whole school of, “we smoke the capitalist’s cigarettes in order to mock the capitalist’s every action.”  Bullshit.  This is the worst god damn excuse for exhibitionist T&A I’ve ever heard…as if it ever needed one to begin with (<–male chauvinist comment).

Real feminists should be out stalking the parks for rapists, holding them at gun point and castrating them with a broken Coke bottle.  This is just some chicken shit amateur porn from some girls who are afraid to do straight gonzo with male talent out in LA.  Give me a fucking break.

That’s why I give these so-called radical feminists the people’s elbow.

That’s it people!  I’m fucking outta here!


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12 responses to “Columbia’s Feminist Infestation in Butler Library

  1. colonelprop

    Bwahahahahahahahahahah! Absolutely classic reply to a bunch of priviledged elitists….gotta drop this article into the campus paper five minutes after you have paid all your fees and collected your diploma….remember your junk comment
    If this is not a “No-shit there I was story” I do not kow what is – this has gotta be a scene in RF#4…

  2. TDN

    Things have clearly changed since this squid went there. Great post though.

  3. Hi there. I’m a Columbia J-Schooler and fellow veteran. A pal referred me to this post and I just want to say it is GREAT. Thanks for picking this ridiculous situation apart in a way that is both realistic and absolutely hilarious.

  4. JP

    A dozen dykes did similar shit at a gramar school in Rhode Island, then they handed out cards to the little girls advertising a 900 number – sex hotline…

  5. BigB

    I can barely even type this I am laughing so hard. Just when I thought this blog could not get any better. Well played sir…well played.

  6. Stephan

    Thought provoking and hilarious; thanks Jack!

  7. reaperstactical

    Man, Jack! I do so love your writing.

  8. Brother, that was righteous. Forwarding to my Lt Col wife who will love it too. She can’t stand these “sisters.”

  9. Pingback: Ha! » The Unwanted Blog

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